Bitter and hateful or just becoming who you were always meant to be?
I asked my husband a few days ago if he thought I was becoming bitter and hateful as I get older. He said no, but I still wonder because my outlook on things have changed and I find myself no longer available for the things that bring unrest and turmoil to my soul regardless of who is bringing those things. I’ve worked incredibly hard and spent years in therapy to work on my own things, but more often than not, I’ve had to work on things that were put on me by others. I’m at a place where I just want to just work on me and protect my peace. I’ve had to learn to let go of certain things, especially things that weren’t mine to carry. I’ve had to learn to recognize when someone was taking and never giving. I’ve had to learn what my healthy boundaries are and then put them into place and secure them. (That one is still a work in progress.) My point is, I’ve had to learn a lot. I’m still learning, but all of that has left me as someone younger me would not recognize. I’d like to think she’d be proud of me, but there’s still a little guilt left in me that says she’d be disappointed because I no longer take what people give and I no longer allow myself to be put in certain situations. Younger me might see that hateful. I just don’t know.
I’d like to say I’m still a kind and forgiving person. I’d like to say I’m still patient. Maybe to an extent I am, but there’s definitely been some change in me. I guess I can blame it on the last few years. The thing is, I am starting to feel like this is who I should have always been. I should have always been able to speak my mind, to say no to things that I really didn’t want to do, to be able to walk away from things that disturb my peace, to be able to respect my boundaries, and to have always been in complete control of who I am without the guilt of others impacting my choice.
I saw this quote by David Bowie today and I thought maybe this is my sign that getting older is allowing a very natural process of growing and becoming who I am supposed to be. Maybe this means that I’m not becoming bitter and hateful, but instead I’m becoming the version of myself that wants to take care of and love myself and those that feed my soul as much as I feed theirs.
So, here’s what I want to say to you – if you find yourself in a place where you are wondering if you are just becoming bitter and hateful, think about this quote. Honestly, I don’t think anyone could blame any of us if we became that bitter person considering just how ugly the world has gotten, but maybe you are just becoming who you were always meant to be and maybe that’s a good thing. I’ve learned that bending over backwards, putting myself out, and making everyone else a priority doesn’t really do myself or anyone else any favors. They just become entirely too comfortable with continuing their behavior and expecting you to always put yourself last. They become content with being the takers or only worrying about themselves. They create a habit of only talking about themselves, looking for what you can do for them, and staying wrapped up in their own world. They don’t even realize there’s a world around them that is still spinning and is still creating chaos in everyone else’s world. Maybe their oblivious to their behavior, either way help them by helping you. Set your boundaries. Love them, pray for them, wish them well, but let them figure some of their stuff out for themselves. You need to protect your peace and your very sacred mental state. It’ll end up being a win for both of you.
Go out and still do good for others, okay? Just make sure you are doing good for yourself as well. You deserve some peace and happiness.
Love and light, y’all!