“Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain.”
Grief is a funny thing. You never know how you are going to deal with it. Sometimes you can see it coming and you brace for impact. Sometimes it sucker punches you out of nowhere. Regardless of how it comes, one thing is certain, no two people deal with grief the same way and no two losses are felt the same way. Some grief/loss can be rationalized as “it is what it is” or “we knew it was coming” while some you just can’t do that with. Some consume you while some can be pushed away. I am somewhere in the middle of all of that. Each day is different for me. Actually, that’s not completely true. A more true statement would be each moment is different for me. My mind is constantly racing. I am always thinking. That in itself keeps me changing momentarily. So, I am just taking it little by little and I am doing my best handle it. I am doing my best to not put my grief on anyone else. I am doing my best to put a happy face on and be the mom, wife, daughter, and friend that I have always strived to be.
Some days are easier than others. Some days I am completely understanding, I can totally get it, BUT other days it’s just too much and I question it all. Like I said, I am kind of in the middle with rationalizing and pushing it away. In January, I had a really small Vision Board party. One guest in particular stands out because it was the first and last time she would ever participate in something like this with me. I didn’t finish my vision board that night. In fact, my board and all of the supplies sat out for a few weeks waiting to be finished until the night that I finally put it away to work on her memorial boards with my mom and kids.
It has been tucked away since that night and I have not had the emotional strength to pull it out since then. I’ve thought about. I’ve wanted to, but each time I started to enter the room to get it back out I’d stop myself. It hurts too much. I remember her walking in the door that night with a tote of supplies in one hand and a M&M lunchbox with ice cream in it in the other. I remember her being so confused about what a vision board was. I remember the laughs we shared while cutting out images and words. I remember teasing her about her board but also loving every single thing she added to it. I remember her offering to help me clean up even though she knew I’d never let her. I remember a great evening with her.
That vision board has been on my mind a lot lately and today I finally did it. I finally went into that room and pulled out that board and you know what? It hurt like hell. As I stopped and looked at the board I noticed words like “HER NEXT CHAPTER,” “Live Your Best Life,” “Endure,” and “THE BEAUTY OF NOW” and it was like it was meant to be. Today was the day I was meant to go in there and pull out that board. Today I needed to read those words. Today I needed to feel that hurt and deal with it a little more. Today I realized just a little more that everything DOES happen for a reason. I say that all of the time. Seriously, I even have it tattooed on my wrist. I truly do believe that even though there are times that I really don’t get the reason. I have no idea what reason there could be for her to be gone, but I know there were reasons behind that Vision Board party, there was most definitely a reason behind each and every word that I chose on that board, and there was absolutely a reason that I didn’t have the strength to pull that board out until now. So yeah, grief is a funny thing. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. We just have to do what is best for us. We have to get through grief any way that we can.