Where are all of the Real Men?

Ladies and gentlemen, where have all of the real men gone? This alarming—yet humorous—realization must be investigated, as the oxymoronic man-child has slowly taken over the world. Sometimes I feel like I have been transported to an alternate universe where conventional gender roles have somehow flip-flopped. Not that I’m an unwavering advocate of outdated gender-based roles and restraints (relax ladies), but what in the hell is going on? Today’s men have somehow picked chai lattes over whiskey; internet dating sites over courting; skinny jeans and pointy-toed shoes over t-shirts and boots; and video games over power tools. What the fuck happened? Let’s not even start on the damn near widespread absence of chivalry in this emerging generation of internet addicts (does anyone even know how to pull out a chair or open a door anymore?). Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring solely to the beer-guzzling, meat-eating, lead-slingers of old-fashioned silver screen Westerns (sorry, John Wayne); I’m talking about simply being a damn man.

Let’s just willingly accept the following reality: Generation “Y” sucks at conventional manliness. There are, undoubtedly, certain things that every man should be able to do (e.g., fix a leaky faucet and grill a fucking dead cow), yet the men of today have become more “delicate” than ever before. We are in dire need of more Donald Drapers (that’s a Mad Men reference for those that don’t know Don).When did we trade in the iconic Tom Selleck mustache for the pencil thin “douche” beard? When did tattoos and muscles become so repugnant? It pains me to see guys in the gym seeking “lifting” lessons from women with twice their muscle mass. I’m all for feminism, but damn guys…grow a pair. I’m a resolute proponent of equality, but I am also a firm believer that men should be expected to do certain things. We can’t all be Rocky Balboa, but we can at least be capable of defending the honor of the women we love (I once saw a man run behind his female companion in a heated argument). Come on, guys! I don’t expect you to grow a Chuck Norris beard overnight, or to look like Arnold tomorrow, but at least attempt to show the world that you have some testosterone floating around somewhere in your body. Remember, if your wife carries YOU across the threshold, you’re doing it WRONG!!!

*Thoughts from my husband, J.